Top 5 Balliest Fighters in the UFC/WEC

In the world of Mixed Martial Arts, there are two kinds of fighters. There are the ones who fight smart and hard, work their strategies precisely and, even if the crowd doesn't approve, gets victories. The other category are those who have one game plan and one game plan only: go out swinging and don't give a fuck. This is a tribute to the ones who do it the best.

5. Forrest Griffin



Forrest Griffin is a man who will one day be in the UFC Hall of Fame. He appeared on the very first season of the Ultimate Fighter reality show that was really a make or break deal for the UFC at the time. Basically, the show featured two teams split by coaches (UFC legends Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture) amongst their respective weight classes, where they trained for weeks and fought each other in a tournament moving towards a finale with a single victorious champion. Well, in a cast filled with raving lunatics, Forrest Griffin is certainly the kind of person to make them all look like Boy Scouts.

Aw, look how jolly and sane he looks!

Firstly, outside of the ring, Forrest is known to engage in several behaviors that would have most people committed:

- In order to get an annoying person to stop talking, Forrest put a lighter under his own arm and just held the man's stare with serial killer intensity as his flesh started to melt.
- Because Forrest can't abide rudeness, especially while driving, after being cutoff on the highway he then proceeded to follow said driver home, and then attempt to pick a fight with him before Forrest's friend accidentally identified him, to which he responded "DON'T SAY MY FUCKING NAME!" They drove in reverse out of the neighborhood so that their license plate wouldn't be noted.
- He watched "Silence of the Lambs" multiple times, by himself, in repetition, and then proceeded to quote Buffalo Bill non-stop (for those of you who haven't seen it, the insane murderer).
- He showed up drunk to the Ultimate Fighter house (Season 11) in a child molester trenchcoat and a day's worth of stubble to play the new UFC video game.

Inside the ring, Forrest has a continued history of deranged behavior. A few years back, when asked about his fight strategy, Forrest answered to the tune of "I like to go out and get hit in the face, then I know I'm really in a fight." This same man smiled his ass off as Rashad Evans later pounded his face in. His face was later avenged by Lyoto Machida a few months later, but I'm sure Forrest would love to get the chance to do it himself.

Who's smiling now, bitch?

Certainly not Rashad...

Most badass moment:
At the end of the first season of the Ultimate Fighter, Forrest Griffin and Stephan Bonnar were set to face each other in a match that most of the fans were mildly interested in. And then the bell rang. There was no stopping these two. Once they started throwing, both men were relentlessly hammering away. In the first round they managed to rock each other but still stayed in the pocket and kept firing, with Forrest giving some especially good knees and almost catching Bonnar with an armbar. In the second round, Stephan Bonnar let loose. He broke Forrest's nose about a minute and a half in, and it bled to the point where they had to have a doctor come in and look at it. Forrest, ever the psychopath, just smiled. After he was cleared, they went right back at it, Bonnar using Forrest's face as a canvas for his knees own personal Jackson Pollock. By the end of round two, both men were exhausted. Forrest had just gotten the piss beaten out of him and surprisingly was still able to stand. But! Forrest! Was! Not! Done! In round three, he negated some of Bonnar's incredibly effective counterstriking and opened up a few cuts of his own. By the time the round ended, it was amazing to see both men still conscious. The judges scored the bout 29-28 for Forrest, giving him the unanimous decision win and the UFC contract for winning the tournament, and even giving one to Stephan Bonnar for this absolutely mind blowing performance.

4. Chris Leben


Another stark raving lunatic from the first season of The Ultimate Fighter, Chris "The Crippler" Leben fights at a weight class below Forrest Griffin, but is no less tenacious (though with consistently douchier hair). He didn't make it to the finale of the tournament, but he is still remembered for the powerful performance that he brings to every fight. That, and he drunkenly pissed on his teammates bed in the first episode. He almost later drunkenly attacked another fighter in the cast for calling him a fatherless bastard, and after being sprayed with hose while sleeping, punched out a window. When the teammate whose bed he urinated on fought him for vengeance, Leben made him his pretty little girlfriend in about a minute and half.

Then afterwords, Leben also devoured his soul.

His overall UFC record is pretty solid, only a few losses, with his only KO loss being to Anderson Silva. The reason for this that Chris Leben has a jaw made out of granite. You can hit him as hard as you want, but you'll only make him mad. He's said himself that on his chin there's a button that essentially, when hit, turns him into a one man demolition team. This isn't even the scariest thing about him. Chris has been victorious in his last three fights, with the last two occurring within two weeks of each other. Now, for most professional athletes, this wouldn't seem like that big a deal. Football players have games once a week that last way longer than the maximum 15-25 minutes a fight does. However, the sport is completely different. Most mixed martial artists go at least 2 months between fights. The reasons for this? Insane damage that recovers massive recovery time. If you get knocked out, that's a concussion that'll keep you out of the ring for a while. Tapped to an armbar? Weeks before your arm doesn't hurt to move. Fights are constantly postponed due to health issues because fighters need to be in absolute peak physical condition upon entering the ring. The fact that Leben successfully won his most recent fight means that when the nuclear holocaust wipes out all life on the planet, he will be scouring the planet looking for mutants to punch him on the chin.

Trust me, Noseless dude, you're gonna need that hand spike.

Most Badass Moment:
Not only did he win his most recent fight two weeks after an epic battle with Aaron Simpson, he did it against Yoshihiro Akiyama, a Japanese MMA superstar who goes frequently by "Sexiyama," and he did it after getting his ass handed to him for two rounds. Akiyama trained to fight Wanderlei Silva, an angry Brazilian man-ape with a vendetta against human skulls, so he had a good preparation for Leben's strategy. He threw Leben around and scored a multitude of fine hits, but at some point in the third round, Sexiyama fucked up and hit that magic button and Leben gained superpowers. The Crippler then spent the next few minutes reminding Sexiyama which nation won World War II and then with 20 seconds to go, choked him mercifully into unconsciousness. Seemingly bared winded, Leben immediately faces the camera and tells Wanderlei that he will do the same to him, thus hopefully setting the stage for a match between the man who uses the force from punches to refill his health and a man who made his living in Japan stomping on people's heads. (Side note: It was recently released that on the way back to the locker room, Leben triumphantly declared that he had said he'd win in the 2nd round. His cornerman confused replies that it was the 3rd round, not the second. Leben stares blankly. "THE THIRD?" Gooood concussions.)

3. Stephan Bonnar

You saw him mentioned earlier with Forrest Griffin in what is considered the greatest fight in MMA history. Like both Forrest and Leben, Stephan "The American Psycho" Bonnar likes to get hit. Unlike them, he also likes to bleed. And by likes to bleed, I mean a strong burst of wind could cut his face open. However, nothing short of a nuclear blast could knock this man out. After that legendary fight, Forrest Griffin would go on to become Light Heavyweight Champion and best-selling author. However, Bonnar's record has been mediocre at best, going 12 wins and 7 losses, and testing positive for an illegal substance after his second fight with Forrest (note: it wasn't as epic as the first, but its was still pretty damn good). However, a closer look at those seven losses reveals the true level of Bonnar's talent: Five of those seven losses are by decision, and they are to some bad ass mother-fuckers: Forrest Griffin twice, Rashad Evans (who stole the LHW championship from Forrest), Jon "Bones" Jones (Who is known for beating the hell out of people and breaking faces with his elbows), and Mark Coleman (one of the greatest fighters in the history of the sport). The other two losses are both considered KO/TKO, but in fact were doctor stoppage due to his weak skin constitution.

Suprisingly, drowning your opponent in your own blood is not a valid fighting tactic.

Those two losses are to Lyoto Machida (who would later go on to annihilate Rashad Evans...see a trend here?) and to Krystof "The Polish Experiment" Soszynski, who Bonnar would get an instant rematch against and then proceed to demonstrate why good ol' fashioned American mental disorder trumps Polack science every time.

Most Badass Moment:
Obviously being in the best fight of all time comes readily to mind, but honestly any time that Bonnar steps into the cage you're getting a hell of a good fight. His chin is forged out of steel and the words "give up" sound like Russian to him. Fact of the matter is, Bonnar's continued existence is a badass moment. But I think recently his underdog slaughter of K-Sos really brought him back to eye of the public and hopefully he'll get back to being a major UFC player.

Stephan Bonnar simply walks into Mordor

2. Clay Guida

Clay Guida is the smallest of these fighters thus far, but he is certainly pound for pound as batshit insane as the rest of them. Like Stephan Bonnar, he loves to bleed, and also has an indestructible chin. He was formerly the Strikeforce Lightweight champion, but after his transition to the UFC, his record is 6-5 with 3 decision losses and 2 submission stoppages. In his entire career, he sports 11 losses, 6 submission and 5 decision. Not once has he ever been stopped by a fist to his Jesus look-alike chin.

Let's see them nail this "Carpenter" to a cross.

Find my comparison to Jesus blasphemous? Well considering this man spent his life as a carpenter (hence the nickname) and STILL managed to rack up an impressive 20-6 record with a championship. See, most athletes need to train full time, meaning their job is the sport. Guida was too busy growing out his hair, building houses for the poor, and preaching on the mount...I think. His cardiovascular endurance is clearly the stuff of biblical legend, as he has gone the distance in a third of his fights without even coming close to gassing out. His pre-fight strategy is thus far, the most insane of any of these other fighters. He has his corner man actually slap him repeatedly in the face and punch him as he smiles and laughs. His actual fight strategy is a hybrid of intelligent counter-striking/grappling and channeling gorillas as his arms promptly go into seizures into his opponents face. He seems to do his best immediately after almost getting smacked really hard in the face, after which, similarly to Chris Leben, Guida goes insane and does shit like pick up and slam his opponents, or drop on his own face to pull of impossible submissions with relative ease. Essentially, he's turning water into wine and making you think there's nothing difficult about it.

So easy, a Caveman could do it.

Most Badass Moment:
During the summer of 2009, Guida was set to face another member of the cast of the first season of the Ultimate Fighter, the first middleweight winner Diego Sanchez. "Nightmare" Sanchez, who entered the first season of that show with 11 consecutive victories and a Welterweight championship from the King of the Cage promotion, was certainly a heavy favorite. On the other hand, Diego Sanchez believes in Tony Robbins and the power of the rain and thunder, which you'd think would make him kind of a pussy or just a fucktard. Since fighters don't need that much intelligence, it makes more sense to lean towards that option since if you ever saw this man stare you down you would probably shit your pants in fear.

Call me a pussy and I'll smack you down with the force of LIGHTNING.

Clay Guida, to his credit, didn't shy away from this madman for a second. The fight begins and Sanchez spent the first minute throwing so many strikes you would have thought you were watching a god damn anime. Hit after hit after hit rained down and Guida slogged through it valiantly. Something evil happened to his skull though, somewhere between the hailstorm of fists, knees, and head kicks, and Guida started sweating his own red juices. The scent of his own blood must have revitalized him, because Guida spent the next two rounds trying balancing out the sheer volume of whupass he received in round one. Sanchez still dominated the fight, so it wasn't enough to please all the judges in his favor (Guida lost by split decision), Guida bled so profusely it looked as though his skin was stained. Anyone would feel terrible for the man who possibly just got half his IQ punched out of his skull, except Guida was hopping around the cage like the Energizer Bunny from Hell and ready to go another five rounds no problem. No. Fucking. Way.

The fact that Guida was alive by the end of the match means his skull should be sent to Japan to revive their MMA Skullsmashing experiments.

1. Jung Chan Sung

Jung Chan Sung is easily the youngest of all the other fighters, and is also the smallest weighing in at 143.1 pounds. However, out of all the others, fighting this man is the most terrifying thought. His current record (from promotions of Pancrase, Deep, WVR, and WEC) is 10-2, with both losses by decision. Yet for all intents and purposes, he is the only fighter on this whole list with no real defeats. Jung Chan Sung has never been stopped in his fighting career, something none of these other psychos can brag about. More importantly, both losses are incredibly controversial, specifically the first one that got him knocked out of the Sengoku 8 tournament. See, some Japanese promotions are not exactly known for their balanced judging. In fact, during the heydays of PRIDE, there were often allegations of things like slanted judging and, if you believe Quinton Jackson, even poisoning fighters.

Pictured: Quinton "Rampage" Jackson following his "poisoning" by Wanderlei Silva's fists.

Now, I'm not saying this really happens, but there is apparently a history of World Victory Road (the promotion) has a history of discriminating against Koreans. The scores were 30-29, 30-29, 29-28. Essentially, since each of 3 rounds is based on a ten point scale, two of the judges thought that two rounds were draws and Chan-Sung just lost the third round, and the third judge was probably just Cecil Peoples (for non-fans, Cecil Peoples is the worst judge in all of MMA).

Now, none of this really explains why this man is at the number one position on this list. Well, see Chan-Sung's nickname is the Korean Zombie. They call him this because nothing can put his man down. Nothing. The Incredible Hulk himself could come up and deck this guy in the face and get little more for his trouble than a laugh and a bruised hand. The Zombie likes two things: throwing fists and getting hit by fists. Also, making his opponents tap out. He's just as likely to do that as ask you what you like about Sex in the City.

Chan-Sung: You know, I think that Carrie has a tendency to just be so catty.
Shintaro Ishiwatari: Glorgle...plark?

Most Badass Moment:
Very recently, Chan-Sung transitioned into the American Zuffa owned promotion World Extreme Cagefighting, which is happily broadcast for free and offers great fights. In his first fight off the bat, the Zombie got Mexican-American "Bad Boy," Leonard Garcia. Garcia doesn't have the most impressive record, but holds some solid victories over fighters like Jens Pulver, former UFC lightweight champion who once made the most dominant UFC Lightwight B.J. Penn his bitch. Anyhow, once these two got into the cage, they took right to swinging. For 15 minutes, almost non-stop, nothing but fist after fist being traded between the two. Neither would back down, and neither knew how to stop. To Garcia's credit, even though he was taking the majority of the punishment, he still stood and fought as hard as he could.

And every strike was followed up with grainy aftershock

In the end, it went to the judges cards with everyone knowing that however powerfully Garcia fought, the Korean Zombie had handily picked up the win in what has also the honor of being one of the greatest fights in the entire history of Mixed Martial Arts. Scores come back: 29-28, 29-28, 28-29...GARCIA?! The crowd is shocked, boos, and Garcia tries not to shit his pants with excitement at the robbery. (I swear to God, there's too much piss poor judging in this sport, and I think something really needs to be done about it. In the future expect an article on the worst instances of judging.) In any case, this highly controversial loss still means the Korean Zombie has a record sullied only by highly questionable decision losses, which means watch out for a Fedor-like legend status for his future.

The Infamous Case Race Incident

And now time for a personal story. For privacy's sake, I've changed the names of everyone involved.

The following took place on September 4th, 2009. I typed this up in my iPhone, being the only one sober in the whole apartment. Minor edits for clarity and grammar were made, as well as many clarification notes as necessary.

A little background on this night: We had decided the week before to have a case race within the apartment, Maverick and Irish vs. Me and Data. However, I backed out so my voice would be good for auditions that week. Thus, Data was partnered with Irish's friend Beardog, who is roughly 6'3" and no slouch to drinking.

He was fucked and didn't even know it. Data has the alcoholic tolerance of a 4 year old who was born without a liver. Maverick and Irish, seasoned alcoholics, clearly have no problem with this. The events that followed are recorded thus. The race began roughly at 8:30 pm.


5 minutes in:
Data finishes beer number one. He begins muttering obscenities.

12 minutes in:
Data is slurring his words and can't control his volume. He hasn't yet finished his 3rd.

20 minutes in:
Data can't feel his face. He's on his 4th beer.

28 minutes in:
Data thinks it's funny to pretend he's about to vomit. I don't appreciate the humor somehow.

29 minutes in:
Data can't walk a straight line. He is on the middle of his fifth beer.

31 minutes in:
Data playing with a knife. Needless to say, we give it to Irish for the rest of the night. He's still on his fifth.

33 minutes in:
I offhandedly comment that Tulsa is dominating Tulane (the football game of the night). Data responds with "NO SHIT SHERLOCK." He follows his up with the statement he doesn't want to drink anymore.

This might have been a good idea. He's still on his fifth.

35 minutes in:
Data is slapping his face on beat with the music. He continues this for nearly a minute.

He's still on his fifth.

39 minutes in:
Data tries to lock me outside for the second time tonight.

He's still on his fifth.

43 minutes in:
Data is giggling uncontrollably. It reaches deafening pitch...yes, he is still on his fifth.

48 minutes in:
Data officially starts his 6th. Forget walking, he's having problems sitting up straight. He starts playing with Maverick's empty cans.

53 minutes in:
Data is lying on the ground. I have photographic evidence. He says he thinks he just lost a brain cell.

59 minutes in:
I take one celeb beer for Data. He is yelling about how he can't do this anymore and how he's drunker than an Irish priest. Also, "CHICKEN’S DONE." Data stops drinking.

One hr 3 minutes:
Data is taking a shower. He wants to get ready for the party we're going to later.

1 hour 10 minutes in:
Data emerges. He's wearing an orange polo and dress pants. He's still not drinking. He fucks up the lyrics to Barney's "I Love You" song.

1 hr12 minutes:
Maverick and Irish win. Data says he can't see his eyes.

Final tally for the race: Maverick and Irish: 12 each. Beardog: 10/11. Data: 6. Me: 1. Now, keep this in mind for the rest of the story.

After the race, we decide to head out to Rabbi President’s B-day party.

Irish won't shut up about how they won. Maverick is still drinking and pisses next to his car. They try to tip a car.

We make it to the party without incident. Data starts drinking again. He has 4 beers
before we leave party.

After we leave, I start recording by time code.

11:15 Maverick falls down a hill. He can't get up. We find this hilarious.

11:20 Irish high fives a random guy he calls "token black guy." He appears to be cool with that, so no problem.

11:25 Irish begins to yell "Hey Sugar" at everyone we pass.

11:27 We pass two cops at the bus stop. Maverick is stumbling into the road. The cops just laugh.

11:29 Maverick trips over his shoes. Twice.

11:31 Maverick and Irish pee behind a bush and discuss getting home and getting Data's "wet wet." I'll leave this to your imagination.

11:40 We arrive at the party. Irish mans the keg. Maverick bums a broken cigarette and Data continues drinking.

11:55 "A stupid bitch pisses me off."

I put this in quotes because this is all I typed, but here's a quick rundown of what happened. Maverick, having not enjoyed his broken cigarette, asks me to help him find another. I turn and start asking a few people, and this girl in a red dress behind me responds with "Go, or don't go."

This confuses me. That has nothing to do with the question I asked. I respond with, "Excuse me?" only to get another reply of "Go, or don't go." This time, she gestures to the house. I realize she thinks I'm trying to enter the house (we're on the back porch in an Ashby apartment).

I say, "Oh, no. I'm asking if any of you have a cigarette my friend can-"

As I try to finish my sentence, this vile tramp cuts me off and says, "No. Now go, or don't go."

After this, it is only thanks to my sobriety I didn't emotionally cripple her in front of her friends. I decide it's time for us to go. Irish waits around for his girlfriend at the time as Data (who is terrifyingly almost sober by now) and I escort Maverick back to Southview.

12:00 Maverick falls and hits his face. Let me clarify this statement; Maverick faceplanted into a concrete sidewalk. Why? Well, it turns out the drinking gods have a sick sense of humor and transferred Data's drunkenness to Maverick. I have firm grip on his shoulder for most of the walk back. He tells me he's fine, and since he hasn't stumbled since we left, I make the mistake of believing him. As I let go of him, I turn to Data to ask about something and I am quickly interrupted by a resounding smack. I turn back around to see Maverick, face against the pavement, legs straight up in the air. For a moment, I thought he was trying to do a "baby freeze," or whatever the fuck that break dance move is, then remembered "Oh shit your friend is hammered." We got a hold of him after he made it back to his feet, stumbled through several bushes and smacked into the side of a building.

12:15 We miraculously make it back. Seriously, I was completely surprised we succeeded.

1:00 Irish and his girlfriend return. She chastises me and Maverick for being home so early. I explain I'm sober for the weekend. Maverick thought she was some other girl that Irish brought home. She proceeds to inform Irish that if he thinks he is getting sex he is mistaken. Irish counters by picking her up and dragging her into the room and closing the door.

And a good time was had by all! Anyhow, this was a long time ago but in the future be on the lookout for a hopeful part two installment.

Jason DeRulo And The Chamber of Stolen Music

I'm sure most of anyone today would recognize the name Jason DeRulo. For those of you who don't, here are a few pictures to jog your memory.

To be honest, I had no idea what he looked like until I started writing this blog.

This picture shows DeRulo is taller than a Fender...not necessarily that he knows what it is.

Jason DeRulo first entered the public eye in 2009 with his hit single, "Whatcha Say," which he then followed in the next year with "In My Head" and "Riding Solo," all off of his first eponymous album (he named it after himself to make sure he wouldn't forget his name). DeRulo is one of many in a recent string of artists who likes to use Auto-tune/vocoders to sing 2000 harmonies at once and slide like they covered the treble clef with baby oil.

I thought I'd take a second and analyze the popular music my boy Jay-Jay has produced. First off, let's examine his breakout hit, "Whatcha Say." If you have ever listened to decent music, or you're a teenage girl who happens to love The O.C. (like if you're my roommate and happen to own an entire season on DVD, you know who you are), then you have probably heard the song that he samples.

This Summer, Shia LaBeouf will act better than you've ever seen him act before...maybe.

Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" is a classic song that teaches kids how to actually use a vocoder and the proper art of multiple voice harmony. "Whatcha Say" steals one of the best parts of the song and turns it into a call and answer session. "Hide and Seek" is about...well honestly, I don't know. I've been over the lyrics a dozen times and the music video is no help at all. What matters is that it kicks ass. "Whatcha Say," on the other hand, is clearly about J-Dog pleading his ex-girlfriend to get back with him after he blatantly cheated on her, and his only reason is that he's going to be so famous that he can buy her anything. How romantic. It's also one of a few songs that has been replaced as the number one Hot 100 billboard song in America by the song it displaced ("Fireflies" by Owl City. Ouch JayBone. Ouch).

The second song that we're going to cover is his current popular track, "In My Head." Some of you may have been confused the first time you heard it. "Isn't that Lady Gaga?" you might have asked, as you hopefully prepared to jam out to the epic collaboration between Stephanie Germanotta (How many of you had to look up the name to know who I was talking about?), Akon (Aliune Thiam? OK seriously does anyone use their own names anymore?), and Colby O'Donis Colon (I hate you all). But instead of getting "Just Dance," you start hearing the power of Auto-tune as our good old boy J-Money starts singin' his new fiery tribute to women. What's this particular piece of music theft about, you ask? Rape. In a Club. That he is imagining.

Ooh baby, I'm gonna pretend I'm commitin' a felony on youuuu baby!

For those of you wondering what I'm talking about, here are a few selected lyrics from the song:

"Everybodys looking for love. Oh. Oh.
Aint that the reason youre at this club. Oh. Oh.
You aint gonna find a dance with him. No. Oh.
Got a better solution for you girl. Oh. Oh."

So in these first verses, Jason establishes that people come to clubs for "love," which for the younger audience, is a euphemism for SEX. He offers a "better solution" to this mysterious him this girl is dancing with, and I can only assume its Jason himself. He drops the sweet line "Youll see a side of love you've never known," which probably is his throwback line when he's hitting up clubs tryna run bitches down.

It then follows up with :

"In my head, I see you all over me.
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy."

At first, this seems like it's a relatively normal song about club hookups, but a few things you might have noticed that there's a lot of personal pronouns being used in the chorus. It's not about what this girl wants, it's ALL Jason here. That said, it still seems like its a legitimate song (with just Jason being a typical asshole looking for his own satisfaction) until he takes it to the next level with this gem:

"Youll be screaming no.
In my head, its going down."

Again, in theory this could just be Jason saying that he'll be so good that she'll be screaming out, but then in the second verse:

"Some dudes know all the right things to say.
When it comes down to it, its just a game.
Instead of talking let me demonstrate. Yeah.
Get down to business lets skip foreplay."

Apart from the first acknowledgment that he's just playing this chick as part of the game (which lead to my conclusion of the use of love in the opening line of the song), he intends to just go straight to railing this girl with warming up. This fact, combined with he wants her to be screaming "no" do not lead to the conclusion that that scream is about her being wowed by his sexual prowess.

Oh baby, I just loved the way you treated me like a hole in a seedy club bathroom wall.

In Jason's final song, "Ridin' Solo," which at first sounds like his most original piece of work to date. In fact, the only reason it is remotely close to original is because he failed to steal "Bittersweet Symphony" from The Verve. This symphony, however, is about our good old boy JD not being weighed down by his apparently overbearing girlfriend (or girlfiend, as he would have us believe) and now he can go back to wearing his sunglasses at night. Cause he's so tight. Altogether, Jason DeRulo doesn't seem to have much talent as a musician.

Doing a little research on DeRulo yielded some interesting information, however. According to the ruler of the internet, Wikipedia, Jason Joel Desrouleaux (SERIOUSLY??) has "been performing since the age of five. He wrote his first song, "Crush on You", at age eight and was heard singing part of the song on a Galaxy FM interview. Derülo spent his youth studying opera, theater, and ballet. He attended Dillard Center for the Arts in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and graduated from the American Musical and Dramatic Academy in New York."

This schmuck has been a musician since he was a little kid, and he pushes out crap songs like this? Mozart is shitting his pants in heaven right now. How is this even close to being allowable by the Universe? I guess he ended up trying to keep up with the times...after all, every artist is doing it nowadays. For example:

Katy Perry
California Gurls = September by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Except about frosting beaches and Candy Cane pimps or whatever. By the way, the only time that the music video shows that it's aware of the lyrics is when a anthropomorphic popsicle dies a melty death.

Sweet, delicious murder.

Sometimes artists copy each other because they decided to have someone else write their music For example, some of you might have heard of Ryan Tedder, the lead singer of OneRepublic. Since the start of his career, he's also been helping other artists write their music. Every now and again though, he gets a little lazy. He helped both Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson write some smash hits ("Halo" and "Already Gone"). After they came out, our girl Sasha Fierce and recently converted Beluga whale Kelly began to notice they sounded a HELL of a lot alike. Like "didn't I just release this song" alike. And as always when people cheat, they get caught and punished with two Grammy nominations.

My personal favorites are when artists end up copying themselves. In the olden days, when people still could tolerate Nickelback without crying, they were actually relatively popular. I mean they didn't have the ability to press horseshit into a CD with record-breaking sales, but they could hold their own. That having been said, they pulled a little trick called "we're going to write one of our hit songs backwards and not have people notice." And by write, I mean literally, they took their number one hit song "How You Remind Me" and turned the melody around to get "Someday", which was number 7 on the U.S. Top 100, and number 1 in Canada. Look at you showing favoritism, America's hat!

Of course, America's bands weren't to be outdone on the musical douchebaggery scale, so Massachusetts Punk-Emo-Bitches-Whateverthehell band Boys Like Girls decided that instead of altering one of their hit songs, they would simply write it all over again. "The Great Escape" was a decent song (only hit 23rd on the billboard) but two singles later, "LoveDrunk," off of the similarly titled album, apparently fooled everybody because it was actually placed higher in the charts (22nd!). People eventually realized that they'd heard the song before, but somehow couldn't figure out what it had copied. Then, it hit them! The Killers!

You are under my spell...listen to my music!

Apparently these clowns are masters of hypnosis, because they managed to make everyone think they actually did something less self centered and stole another bands music.

Anyhow, it's kind of a roundabout way of saying this, but the point of all this is that musicians get lazy, thieving, and uncreative once they join the industry. Support creativity, advance the arts, and only use Jason DeRulo for grinding beats when your hammered and nothing else.

And so it begins

Welcome to the new blog page! In this issue, we'll be discussing the final episode of the first season of Glee.

First off, as epic a reversal of expectations as having the New Directions team not win, Vocal Adreneline was fucking terrible. And I guarantee that it has nothing to do with the fact that the entire scene was overlaid with Quinn giving birth. Fact of the matter is, Queen is an amazing band. Bohemian Rhapsody is an incredible song, and vocal ensembles are uniquely suited to make it the sexiest thing since Freddie Mercury's mustache.

Second sexiest thing: Tom Selleck's

However, instead of making this song into the usual Glee style orgasmic covering of a musical classic, we end up with Jesse St. James (Jonathan Groff) belting his face off for 4-ish long ass minutes. While I am impressed by Groff's absurd range (granted you can just taste the autotune), all he does is sing at blastissimo volume, as does the rest of his choir. For those of you who wonder what blastissimo is, it's when a singer is performing at a volume somewhere between the loudest normal human beings can sing and the sound a cannon makes when you fire it. It's acceptable for some instances, like the high point of the most epic song ever. It's not acceptable for full time usage during a song that starts off so quietly. Overall, I felt that instead of making an incredible tribute to one of the greatest bands of the last century, it ended up being this ode to the future spawn of Quinn Fabray.

New Directions, on the other hand, did a mashup of some of the best songs Journey has to offer. Apart from featuring multiple soloists, including Santana (Naya Rivera), who doesn't get featured enough as a soloist, they actually figured out how to use dynamics in a musical context. On top of that, Mercedes (Amber Riley) starts belting her face off during Don't Stop Believin' straight into a never heard before key change. In. Fucking. Credible.

Here a few more things I thought about watching this episode:

1. The women of New Directions seem to take hair fashion advice from Snooki.

During the competition, I couldn't help but notice that all the girls hair had very similar shapes to it, like all of their skulls were misshapen and had protruding growths at the back. At first I was confused, did the New Directions ladies suddenly all grow massive tumors?

Over-exposure to the awesomeness of Lea Michele's voice has been known to cause cancer.

Soon after I realized that the reason their hair was, in fact, altered not by malicious growths but little devices known as "Bump-its." I was relatively unfamiliar with this particular product and its purpose (other than the late night commercials I've seen during states of questionable sobriety), so I decided to do a little research on this strange plastic contraption. It would seem the purpose of these Bump-its is to make thin haired women appear to be sporting absurd lock volume, but they can be used by any and all women for massive hair illusion. Either way, I've never seen these on a real live person before, but I have seen it used on small cave trolls (these ones don't grant you wishes).

For God's sake don't make eye contac-FUCK too late.

2. Will Schuester has the subtlety of a rapist.

In the penultimate moment of the season finale, buggy-eyed neurotic Emma Pillsbury (Jayma Mays) is protesting the disbanding of Glee club following their unnecessary defeat. Will (Matthew Morrison) notices this and strikes up a conversation to the tune of "YOU'RE DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU LOVE MEEE ARARARARGH!"

How can you say no to this face?

Now, as an avid fan of the show, I am of course aware of the sordid history between the two teachers, starting with Will mind-cheating on his wife with her and Emma agreeing to marry portly football coach Ken Tanaka (Patrick Gallagher) and then mind-cheating on him with Will and then both breaking off their marriages and then getting together, and then Will ACTUALLY cheating on her with Rachel's mom (Idina Menzel, I could honestly care less about her character name) and then they almost sleep togaehotiydsflknagoisklf and so on and so forth. Thing is, earlier in the episode, Emma reveals she has an offscreen boyfriend (GASP). So whats the first question our dear old Will asks? He wants to know if Captain Dentistry and his deer-in-the-headlights face flame have done the beast with two backs. Classy.

Anyhow, fast-forwarding into the end of the episode, after Emma vehemently denies that it's about him, Will decides to blatantly ignore her and goes for the rape kiss. Honestly, I wouldn't have been anymore terrified of him if he wore a blanket, put on lipstick, and danced around naked saying "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."

IT STOPS TALKING OR IT GETS THE HOSE.

The only thing that probably saved Emma from Will wearing her skin was the timely intervention of the students singing a terribly sad song. Rachel cockblocking: 1, Will getting any from someone other than his wife in this series: 0.

Well, that's all for the first edition of CapsLock is for Emphasis. Tune in next time for a discussion about Jason DeRulo and when recording artists like to steal music.

P.S. Quinn is now officially a MILF. Good day.