First off, as epic a reversal of expectations as having the New Directions team not win, Vocal Adreneline was fucking terrible. And I guarantee that it has nothing to do with the fact that the entire scene was overlaid with Quinn giving birth. Fact of the matter is, Queen is an amazing band. Bohemian Rhapsody is an incredible song, and vocal ensembles are uniquely suited to make it the sexiest thing since Freddie Mercury's mustache.
However, instead of making this song into the usual Glee style orgasmic covering of a musical classic, we end up with Jesse St. James (Jonathan Groff) belting his face off for 4-ish long ass minutes. While I am impressed by Groff's absurd range (granted you can just taste the autotune), all he does is sing at blastissimo volume, as does the rest of his choir. For those of you who wonder what blastissimo is, it's when a singer is performing at a volume somewhere between the loudest normal human beings can sing and the sound a cannon makes when you fire it. It's acceptable for some instances, like the high point of the most epic song ever. It's not acceptable for full time usage during a song that starts off so quietly. Overall, I felt that instead of making an incredible tribute to one of the greatest bands of the last century, it ended up being this ode to the future spawn of Quinn Fabray.
New Directions, on the other hand, did a mashup of some of the best songs Journey has to offer. Apart from featuring multiple soloists, including Santana (Naya Rivera), who doesn't get featured enough as a soloist, they actually figured out how to use dynamics in a musical context. On top of that, Mercedes (Amber Riley) starts belting her face off during Don't Stop Believin' straight into a never heard before key change. In. Fucking. Credible.
Here a few more things I thought about watching this episode:
1. The women of New Directions seem to take hair fashion advice from Snooki.
During the competition, I couldn't help but notice that all the girls hair had very similar shapes to it, like all of their skulls were misshapen and had protruding growths at the back. At first I was confused, did the New Directions ladies suddenly all grow massive tumors?
Over-exposure to the awesomeness of Lea Michele's voice has been known to cause cancer.
Soon after I realized that the reason their hair was, in fact, altered not by malicious growths but little devices known as "Bump-its." I was relatively unfamiliar with this particular product and its purpose (other than the late night commercials I've seen during states of questionable sobriety), so I decided to do a little research on this strange plastic contraption. It would seem the purpose of these Bump-its is to make thin haired women appear to be sporting absurd lock volume, but they can be used by any and all women for massive hair illusion. Either way, I've never seen these on a real live person before, but I have seen it used on small cave trolls (these ones don't grant you wishes).
For God's sake don't make eye contac-FUCK too late.
2. Will Schuester has the subtlety of a rapist.
In the penultimate moment of the season finale, buggy-eyed neurotic Emma Pillsbury (Jayma Mays) is protesting the disbanding of Glee club following their unnecessary defeat. Will (Matthew Morrison) notices this and strikes up a conversation to the tune of "YOU'RE DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU LOVE MEEE ARARARARGH!"
How can you say no to this face?
Now, as an avid fan of the show, I am of course aware of the sordid history between the two teachers, starting with Will mind-cheating on his wife with her and Emma agreeing to marry portly football coach Ken Tanaka (Patrick Gallagher) and then mind-cheating on him with Will and then both breaking off their marriages and then getting together, and then Will ACTUALLY cheating on her with Rachel's mom (Idina Menzel, I could honestly care less about her character name) and then they almost sleep togaehotiydsflknagoisklf and so on and so forth. Thing is, earlier in the episode, Emma reveals she has an offscreen boyfriend (GASP). So whats the first question our dear old Will asks? He wants to know if Captain Dentistry and his deer-in-the-headlights face flame have done the beast with two backs. Classy.
Anyhow, fast-forwarding into the end of the episode, after Emma vehemently denies that it's about him, Will decides to blatantly ignore her and goes for the rape kiss. Honestly, I wouldn't have been anymore terrified of him if he wore a blanket, put on lipstick, and danced around naked saying "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."
IT STOPS TALKING OR IT GETS THE HOSE.
The only thing that probably saved Emma from Will wearing her skin was the timely intervention of the students singing a terribly sad song. Rachel cockblocking: 1, Will getting any from someone other than his wife in this series: 0.
Well, that's all for the first edition of CapsLock is for Emphasis. Tune in next time for a discussion about Jason DeRulo and when recording artists like to steal music.
P.S. Quinn is now officially a MILF. Good day.
THIS POST HAD SO MUCH WIN IN IT, particularly the "will schuester has all the subtlety of a rapist" one. i was so pissed by that scene. i mean COME ON. he took her for granted and the second she's over him he wants her back! awkward complex MUCH! i also appreciate your scoreboard, though i feel that at this point in the show rachel cockblocking has MAAANY more points than that ;).
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE FUNNIES. I LIKE THIS BLOG